Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
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#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
What if all the cashiers are married?
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Tremendous stuff
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great