me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
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‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
when you order from DoorDastardly
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Taking phone security to the next level.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Happy Star Wars day!
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.