the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
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Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
consequences, the bane of my existence
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
This is my brand.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.