I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
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Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
He died doing what he loved: being alive
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.