How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
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Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Taking phone security to the next level.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*