Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
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does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.