[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.