BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
You Might Also Like
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.