feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
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Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Breaking news:
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
A dad and his duck
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.