I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
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Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…