A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.