On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
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You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.