I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
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We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”