It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
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My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Them: Just act casual
Me: