My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
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Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Sniffing the broccoli
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”