Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹