As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
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Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.