me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
You Might Also Like
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.