Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
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Lavender
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.