obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
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I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.