If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
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When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
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*weighs self after shaving
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.