There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
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me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.