You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
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The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*