How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
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If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
A short story about romance.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?