I want what they have
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When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Well, this is awkward
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.