nobody’s gonna understand
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My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I can also cook 😂
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I support this random dude and all his protests
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.