God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
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“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
opening a flower shop called women in stem
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]