Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
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Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*