You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
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On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I want what they have
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*seductively corrects your posture*
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Saw online –
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*