why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
You Might Also Like
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
o shit
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!