I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
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Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”