You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
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i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.