Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”