Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
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Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer