Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
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Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious