Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
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*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up