I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
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My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.