I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
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The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
CRYING
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk