interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.