I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
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Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again