I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
You Might Also Like
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
The glockness monster
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way