You Might Also Like
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Just a friendly reminder!
my nickname in college
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.