People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.