Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
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What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Meow
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice Iโve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my carโs way of saying I donโt need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Had a joint with my mate and she said โmad how the brain named itselfโ and Iโve fully had to come home and go to bed
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether Iโm wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
A friend sent me this.
iโm pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
me at 20: iโll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face