[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
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Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.