Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.