Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
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DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.