Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
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dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I occasionally drink every single night.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt