Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
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Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
oh my god
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
dude it’s called proctologist
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
*pronounces surface like Versace*
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”