Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
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Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.